Today marks 7 years than have passed since my precious first son entered the gates of heaven. It seems unreal that 2,555 days have come and gone since last I kissed his face. My heart was broken in those early days and years over so many things...that I never got to hear him cry, kiss away tears on his sweet cheeks, or experience any of the firsts that mommies should get to have with their first child.
I didn't understand why this had happened to us. Why had God given us the hope of finally being parents, only to have to give our son back to Him without any time with him. Why had we already lost three babies in miscarriage? Why?
Over the past 7 years, I feel like God has given me peace and some of the answers to my “why” questions. In the early days of my grief, I felt that God gave me a vision to help make sense of what was going on. He showed me that my life was a big tapestry, with all the details of my life woven into a whole masterpiece. But I wasn’t able to see the whole picture...I was only able to look at it in small bits, like looking through a narrow straw and seeing only one small piece at a time. And the part I was seeing right at that moment was small and filled with sadness. But He promised me that I would see other happier times, and in time, He would let me back up, seeing more and more of the picture as a whole. And that in time, His time, I would see the greater purpose of each and every moment and how they worked together--for His purposes in my life.
Without our loss of Jonathan, I wouldn’t know some pretty important things about myself. And I truly believe that I wouldn't be the woman I am today! Losing Jonathan, and the few tough years that came after, showed me how deeply rooted my faith really was. No matter the pain, or how hard it was to feel so heartbroken, I knew without a doubt, that God was real, He was taking care of me, that He was holding our sweet boy in His arms...and that He was holding me together while preparing me for the biggest little miracles to come. He showed me that joy is a choice, and that no matter if you felt happy or sad, you could search for and experience a joy that only comes from Him! He gave me an assurance that it would all be okay, even when nothing made sense in the natural. I just had to trust Him, and keep making the decision each and every day to trust Him that there was a purpose to the path I seemed to be on.
And the biggest part of my healing has been in the two tiny gifts He gave us almost 5 years ago. My little miracle boys have completed our family and truly completed me. I knew from my earliest age that my one desire and greatest dream was to be a mommy. And the journey getting to mommyhood was long, hard, and full of ups and downs...honestly, a whole lot of downs.
But at this point, 7 years after losing Jonathan, and 5 years after finally earning my mommy badge (here on earth!) when I had William and Jackson, I'm starting to "get it". I feel like I’m finally getting to take a step back and am beginning to see how all of the threads of my tapestry, both the happy and the sad, are weaving together--creating a beautiful picture of my life that God had planned for me all along. And I’m so thankful!
I’m so very thankful that God’s plan for my life was so much better than any I could have ever planned! I’m so grateful for each moment I had with all of my children, from just a few early weeks of pregnancy with four little angels, to the 23 weeks I had with Jonathan growing inside of me, to the 29 weeks of growing my "matching boys" to their 2 lb starting weights. Every moment was a miracle, and looking back at this point, I’m able to appreciate every second of the process it really was for me to be where I am today.
And my sweet Jonathan was the one that opened my eyes up to the bigger picture of what my life is truly meant to be. Even though he never breathed one breath on earth, or met the people who are most important to us, he changed my life more that I ever could have imagined. His life, and his eternity in the arms of Jesus, has made the reality of Heaven more tangible to me than it ever was before.
I long for the day that I will be in eternity, finally reunited with all of my babies, and worshipping my Jesus together. My sweet 4 year olds know that their brother was real, and is waiting for them in Heaven. They know that Jesus loves them so much, and that someday, since they have asked Jesus into their hearts, they will get to spend forever with Him and their brother. What a better gift could we all have received from Jonathan’s short life than a precious reminder of eternity?
I’m honored to be his mom. I’m so thankful for his life. And not a day passes that he doesn’t drift across my mind and I smile remembering him. Seven years ago in my deepest pain, I wouldn’t have believed the truth of the words I write now, but they are true! God has a purpose in all things--Especially in those that we most don't want to happen. I’m in awe of how much He loves us and wants good for our lives...if only we can put aside our humanness and TRUST HIM!
Happy happy 7th birthday in heaven to you, my sweet Jonathan Paul! Mommy loves you more than you’ll ever know! Stay nestled in Jesus’ arms...I’ll be there someday to cuddle in with you there! I love you, sweet boy!