July 31, 2012

Jonathan's 4th Angel Day

(I borrowed this poem from a blog of a Mommy who also has babies in heaven... the words were just perfect. Thanks, Krista. )

Precious Child-Karen Taylor Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And I know there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart


Justin and I have been kind of in shock that today is 4 years since we lost our sweet boy.  It seems like just yesterday, but at the same time, seems so very long ago.  What a blessing each and every moment of his precious life was to us, and we will never ever stop thinking about and loving our firstborn son. We are all heading out to the cemetery this morning to celebrate his life and I can hardly wait!

For some reason, this year has brought more tears than the last couple...I guess it's just the realization of what he could have been like, after watching Will and Jack grow, and the sadness that comes on missing out on every little thing with him. I wish he was here so badly, but in that same thought comes the truth that God's plans are so far above and are better than mine.  If Jonathan had lived, I know we wouldn't have gone on with the fertility treatments that brought us the boys. It's hard--wanting all my boys, but knowing that I couldn't- I wouldn't- have had them all.

All I can say is, "Thank you Jesus for making the decisions and the plans for my life." He knew better than I did.  He knew that my precious first born needed to live out the entirety of his life in eternity, and not here in my arms. He knew that Will & Jack were on their way to soothe and heal our broken hearts. His plan is far better than mine ever will be.  I'm so grateful that He loves us this much.

And I love that I get to talk about Jonathan with the boys all the time, show them his picture, and tell them how he lives in Heaven with Jesus.  My heart absolutely melts when they, in their toddler way, say his name.  They will always know about their brother, and how his life gave us the wisdom to know what to do with my body, which allowed them to be able to be here.  He was truly a miracle! And what a tangible example of the wonderful place that Heaven will be for the boys to look forward to--they'll get to meet their brother there!  What a gift our Jonathan's life was, and will always be!

I miss you, my Sweet Boy!  I can hardly wait to see you in Heaven!



Brittany said...

Alyson, I had no idea that you had lost a son before your twins. You hold your heart so gracefully for such a painful experience. So thankful that the Lord loves is all so much, and works all things together for good for us, even the unimaginably tough things. I will be keeping you and your little family in our prayers while you remember your boy. Hugs!
-Brittany Rodriguez

Jenny Brannan said...

I love you Al! I am truly humbled by the grace, wisdom, and transparency with which you share Jonathan's story. He is such a special boy and I looke forward to meeting him someday!

Jodi said...

Love all the Steiners!!!!!! <3

Andrea said...

Oh sweet friend, the Lord has answered your faith with such amazing blessings. Thank you for being faithful to Him through it all. He has given you such grace.

This passage reminds me of the testimony God has given you:

Psalm 86:11-13

"Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead."

He's taught you to rely on His faithfulness and delivered you and your precious family from so much of the power the grave would have had without Him.

Keep on keeping on, my friend. Love you dearly and always will.