I'm not usually a super emotional person. Passionate about things--yes. At times opinionated--yes. But emotional? Weepy, up and down moods, super teary? Not really. (Unless you count watching Extreme Home Makeover ... I ALWAYS cry during that show!) But the last few days with Mother's Day on the horizon ... whew! My emotions are all over the map and I feel like tears are just below the surface!
First off, I'm just pinching myself with excitement that this day is finally here! My first "real" Mother's Day. My "I-finally-have-babies-in-my-arms-that-I-can-hug-and-kiss-and-not-just-think-about-my-precious-ones-in-Heaven" Mother's Day. Wow. I could just cry! (Oh wait ... I already have!) Looking back over the last years of our journey to parenthood, Mother's Day has always been such a hard day for me. I dreaded the Mother's day service at church. The years that we did go (and there were many years I just couldn't bring myself to face it) I would sit in the service crying. Baby dedications were torture, and especially when they did them on Mother's Day. But I have to say, our Pastor John has always been so sensitive to people like us ... ones who want nothing more than to be a mom or have babies in Heaven ... but it was still hard. As I looked at the last 4 years of this blog, it is crazy to me that every other year on Mother's Day I was pregnant, yet this is the first one where I am actually, on Earth, a mother!
2008 post (day after mother's day) ... pregnant with Jonathan, and oblivious to anything going wrong!
2009 post ... broken-hearted
2010 post ... Hopeful and pregnant with twins!
And here we are today ...
with all my boys!!
(Last year I said this "I know next year will be great—there will be 2 full car seats next to me in the picture!" It came true!!)
I feel blessed, lucky, thankful, grateful, ecstatic, and in love. I love being a mom and I'm absolutely love each and every moment! These precious boys completely fulfill the yearning I had so long in my heart!
But ... the crazy emotions at work again ... I am so heartsick for my friends, acquaintances, and blog friends (you know who you are) that are still where I was. The waiting, the hoping, the dreaming, the hopes dashed over and over again. I know so well what it felt like to watch your friends and love ones become moms, when there is nothing you want more. I know the heartbreak of getting pregnant and being over-the-moon that it is finally your turn, only to lose the baby and feel like you are even farther from that reality that before. I know the longing, the yearning, the hopelessness at times ... and it breaks my heart that you are still in that place.
I don't have the answers. I don't have a miracle solution. I don't have any way of 'fixing the problem'. No one could do it for me, and I can't do it for you. But ... I know the ONE who answered my deepest prayers. I know the ONE who brought miracles into my life, so above and beyond anything I could have ever even dreamed of or hoped for. I know that HE will answer your prayers, your deepest desires, and hold you close to His heart during the waiting. So, instead of having my tears of frustration for what you are still having to go through be wasted, I want you to know that I'm storming Heaven's gates for you. I am praying for you ... taking over for you when you just don't have the energy or even the faith to pray it for yourself. I am digging in my heels, believing that God is going to heal your body, open doors that you might not even know are there, guide you towards the path you are to be on, and give you the strength and perseverance to keep on. God IS going to grant you the desires of your heart!! His plan is so much better than anything you can even imagine! Wonderful people in my life did this for me, and I just want you to know that I'm doing it for you!! I love you, and I'm believing for you a life more amazing than you can even imagine right now, and that next Mother's Day, it is you with your precious miracle (miracles?)!!!
Mother's Day ... what an amazing day. I feel so honored to finally be a part of the club. I think of my mom, and the mothers in our families that have helped to shape me into the mom I am and will be. Thank you all for your example and love. And thank you for being many of the ones who dug in your heels for me ... I am forever grateful!
And the best thing is, even though it isn't on Mother's Day this year, next week, it is finally my turn to dedicate my boys to the Lord! After years of many sad baby dedications, Justin and I are joyfully giving our boys to God next week! After all, they're really not ours, but His! What a day!
Here are a few more pictures of my precious boys making this my best Mother's Day yet! This is the first time I've taken the boys to the cemetery, and it was such a special day for me!