May 8, 2011

Mother's Day...for "real"!

I'm not usually a super emotional person. Passionate about things--yes. At times opinionated--yes.  But emotional? Weepy, up and down moods, super teary? Not really. (Unless you count watching Extreme Home Makeover ... I ALWAYS cry during that show!) But the last few days with Mother's Day on the horizon ... whew!  My emotions are all over the map and I feel like tears are just below the surface!

First off, I'm just pinching myself with excitement that this day is finally here!  My first "real" Mother's Day. My "I-finally-have-babies-in-my-arms-that-I-can-hug-and-kiss-and-not-just-think-about-my-precious-ones-in-Heaven" Mother's Day.  Wow.  I could just cry!  (Oh wait ... I already have!) Looking back over the last years of our journey to parenthood, Mother's Day has always been such a hard day for me.  I dreaded the Mother's day service at church. The years that we did go (and there were many years I just couldn't bring myself to face it) I would sit in the service crying.  Baby dedications were torture, and especially when they did them on Mother's Day. But I have to say, our Pastor John has always been so sensitive to people like us ... ones who want nothing more than to be a mom or have babies in Heaven ... but it was still hard. As I looked at the last 4 years of this blog, it is crazy to me that every other year on Mother's Day I was pregnant, yet this is the first one where I am actually, on Earth, a mother!

2008 post (day after mother's day) ... pregnant with Jonathan, and oblivious to anything going wrong!
2009 post ... broken-hearted
2010 post ... Hopeful and pregnant with twins!

And here we are today ...

with all my boys!! 
(Last year I said this "I know next year will be great—there will be 2 full car seats next to me in the picture!" It came true!!)

I feel blessed, lucky, thankful, grateful, ecstatic, and in love.  I love being a mom and I'm absolutely love each and every moment! These precious boys completely fulfill the yearning I had so long in my heart!


But ... the crazy emotions at work again ... I am so heartsick for my friends, acquaintances, and blog friends (you know who you are) that are still where I was.  The waiting, the hoping, the dreaming, the hopes dashed over and over again.  I know so well what it felt like to watch your friends and love ones become moms, when there is nothing you want more.  I know the heartbreak of getting pregnant and being over-the-moon that it is finally your turn, only to lose the baby and feel like you are even farther from that reality that before.  I know the longing, the yearning, the hopelessness at times ... and it breaks my heart that you are still in that place.

I don't have the answers.  I don't have a miracle solution.  I don't have any way of 'fixing the problem'.  No one could do it for me, and I can't do it for you.  But ... I know the ONE who answered my deepest prayers. I know the ONE who brought miracles into my life, so above and beyond anything I could have ever even dreamed of or hoped for.  I know that HE will answer your prayers, your deepest desires, and hold you close to His heart during the waiting.  So, instead of having my tears of frustration for what you are still having to go through be wasted, I want you to know that I'm storming Heaven's gates for you.  I am praying for you ... taking over for you when you just don't have the energy or even the faith to pray it for yourself. I am digging in my heels, believing that God is going to heal your body, open doors that you might not even know are there, guide you towards the path you are to be on, and give you the strength and perseverance to keep on.  God IS going to grant you the desires of your heart!!  His plan is so much better than anything you can even imagine!  Wonderful people in my life did this for me, and I just want you to know that I'm doing it for you!!  I love you, and I'm believing for you a life more amazing than you can even imagine right now, and that next Mother's Day, it is you with your precious miracle (miracles?)!!!


Mother's Day ... what an amazing day.  I feel so honored to finally be a part of the club.  I think of my mom, and the mothers in our families that have helped to shape me into the mom I am and will be.  Thank you all for your example and love.  And thank you for being many of the ones who dug in your heels for me ... I am forever grateful!

And the best thing is, even though it isn't on Mother's Day this year, next week, it is finally my turn to dedicate my boys to the Lord!  After years of many sad baby dedications, Justin and I are joyfully giving our boys to God next week!  After all, they're really not ours, but His! What a day!

Here are a few more pictures of my precious boys making this my best Mother's Day yet! This is the first time I've taken the boys to the cemetery, and it was such a special day for me!



Jodi said...

In tears with you - sadness, happiness, thankfulness!! Love you and Happy Mother's Day!!!

AROSS said...

Thank you for this post! I needed to read this today! This is the first Mother's Day where I couldn't talk myself in to going to the church service. I feel really guilty about it, but I just couldn't do it. Thank you for your prayers! I am so happy for you!!! The boys are darling!!

Janet said...

I am SO happy for you! I know it goes without saying that your day was extra special! :)

Chasaraben said...

The picture of the boys touching Jonathan's gravemarker is both the saddest and sweetest picture all at the same time. The joy you feel leaps off the page and I'm so glad you are so blessed. You never forget, but you have found a special way to remember. The caption below says it all... Brothers. What a precious family.
S. Roby (Joy's friend)

Michelle Harmon said...

I love your post!! Happy tears!!! SO sweet. Happy Mother's Day sweet friend!

jolene said...

just so happy for you!!!!! much love and tears and joy for you from MN today. love you!

Jenny Brannan said...

You are seriously one of the most amazing women I've known and I'm so grateful to call you friend. You've helped more people than you will ever know...including me. Your hope is inspirational and your boys are a testimony of God's grace and mercy. From beginning to end, your story has His fingerprints all over it!! Thank you for sharing it and giving Him all the glory and honor. Because it is in Him that we have hope; it's in Him that we find our peace; and it's in Him that we can place our dreams and our trust. I love you Al. And I won't ever forget you babies... All of them. Someday we'll all be together playing with ALL our children at the foot of the throne. And what a glorious day that will be. Happy Mother's Day my friend.

Dawn said...

I'm sending this link to a friend who is still where you were, who I still dig my heals in hard in prayer for. Beautiful post.

Jennifer Wright said...

Happy Mothers Day!!! I woke up yesterday and immediately thought of you and how this was your "first" mothers day. Hope it was all you hoped for!! Tell Justin I said Hi.

Ronni said...

Happy Mother's Day Alyson! I am so happy for you and I could barely read your post through the tears in my eyes. You are an amazing mother, friend and child of God. Love you lots!