February 17, 2010

Good News & Bad News

Good news first...

My grandma is seeming to do much better! They actually only put 4 stents in, but feel like they got them in all the key locations. My mom said that she has color back in her face and looks more like herself. Today they begin the process of weaning her off the heavy medications, and hopefully she will be waking up this evening or by tomorrow. We're praying that she would wake up and begin the healing process without having to face any more hurdles!! I can't wait to hear her voice again!


Now for the bad news...

I had my sonogram this morning, and my lining actually had gone down. 2 days ago it was at 5.8mm, and today it was at 4.8mm. The follicles had hardly grown at all. So my doctor upped my medicine dose for 2 more days and I go in again on Friday.

Not the news I was wanting/praying/hoping/expecting to hear this morning.

My first thought after I saw it had gone down was, "Is God trying to tell me something?" I honestly don't know what to do right now, or how to feel. It is just so hard appointment after appointment getting terrible news. News that isn't hopeful. When do we say enough is enough?? And if we do stop, I just can't imagine the next months, or however long it would take, to start adoption or surrogacy. Am I ready to admit defeat? I know that really isn't what it is...that I have failed somehow...but it sure feels like it. I wish I had a clear-cut sign of what to do.

I'm tired. I'm discouraged. I'm heartbroken that this all just seems to be getting harder and harder. I'm sad that it makes the ones I love most feel helpless. I'm tired of feeling numb.

I want some glimmer of hope...even if it is just a speck.

6 comments:

amy (metz) walker said...

Aly, I love you and I'm happy to hear the good news about your grandmother but am grieving with you about your news related to your body. It's so hard to know...what is God doing? what is His plan? I'm right here, walking this journey with you! I think that your child(ren) - biological or not - are going to have the best mom in the world. I'm here for you and I'm supporting whatever you decide!

Audra said...

Just read your good and bad news. So glad about Gram but just heartbroken for you about your doctors visit. Thought of this blog again http://www.naturallyknockedup.com/. Don't know if you ever found it but her story sounds a lot like yours. I am praying for you and Justin. Call me if you want to talk. Love you!

Leading Lady said...

Praying for you and your Grandma, sweet friend! It can be so frustrating to get that bad news month after month, but maybe God has a special child for you available some other way...it can be so hard to discern His plan from ours sometimes though! Praying for you and Justin as you make these decisions about your future.

AROSS said...

Oh Alyson, I am so sorry about your bad news today. We know God has a plan, it's just so hard trying to see what it is! I have been praying that God will give Justin and you a clear cut direction. So happy to hear about your grandmother... Hang in there! You are an inspiration to all.

Candie said...

For what it's worth - we recently discussed the fact that just becuase we pursue adoption, doesn't mean we have to stop trying for ourselves. Mentally, you may get so wrapped up in the adoption process that your body responds to the "change of direction" and you'll get pregnant on your own. Either way, you'd become a mommy to a little person who needs you more than anything in the world. And before it's all said and done, you'll probably become mommy to both adopted and biological. Love you Alyson.

Karlye said...

Hey! I have been following your blog for a while! I am currently dealing wit secondary infertility. I have a blog discoveringmeandplang.blogspot.com if you would like to check it out. Also, my little boy's blog is rydersills.blogspot.com. I read where you were thinking of using a surrogate mother... I would like to talk to you more about this! Please email me if you have a chance kwalls3@bellsouth.net
Thanks!