January 1, 2010

1-1-2010

First day of a new year...a new decade. Wow. For some reason, the new decade thing sounds so weird to me--makes this new year more momentus for me. The last time a new decade started, I was only 18, and had no clue what was to come in the decade ahead. I guess that is the same place I'm in right now--hoping for amazing things to happen in this next decade of my life. But I feel a lot more realistic about life too. 10 years ago, I really had no taste of the saddness that life could bring. I never would have ever imagined that in the first decade of my life as an adult, I would experience the agony of losing children--Jonathan who I got to hold in my arms for a brief moment, and 4 more babies that never even got the chance to grow. I've never wanted anything more in my life more than I've wanted to be a wife and a mother. And back when I was 18, I just assumed that they would go hand in hand...get married and a few years down the road, have a house full of babies. But that wasn't to be for us. God had a completely different journey planned for the Steiners, and sometimes I'm still trying to understand it!

But, one thing I am so incredibly thankful for this last decade is my wonderful husband. I never ever could have dreamed up such a wonderful husband to share my life with. (And, boy did I dream about my husband and try to imagine what he would be like as I grew up!!) Justin is my other half, my soul mate, the one person who I can completely be myself around. I don't feel whole when he isn't around, and no matter what life has (or hasn't) brought us yet, my life is complete with him.

But this last month, especially, has been really hard for me. I was really surprised and blindsided to have the Christmas season on 2009 be so incredibly hard. I had my share of melt-downs, quiet times, tears, in the midst of trying to enjoy what the season was really all about. I figured that the second Christmas after Jonathan died would be easier than the first, but was I wrong. I just couldn't get it out of my head that Jonathan should have been 13 months old, that we should have been watching him open presents with his cousin...I thought about the other babies that I wished had lived...I thought about the unfairness of it all, that we have been trying to have a family for almost 6 years, and our arms are still empty. It is just so hard. I feel like through all of this, I have been such a bad friend. I haven't really talked to anyone or returned emails in a long time. I'm sorry to any of my friends who I haven't responded to. I love you and I think about you all the time, I just couldn't this past month. I hope you understand!

I debated on whether to blog about our next step in trying to have a baby, but after thinking about it for the last few months, I think I've decided I'd rather have people know and praying. This month, we are going to do a frozen embryo transfer. We have 3 embryos frozen from the IVF cycle in October, and we are planning try again using them this month. We have decided that this will be the last try we do before moving on to surrogacy or adoption. And that is scary for me. In these last 5 1/2 years, we've never actually had a stopping point, and now we do. I want to be hopeful, believe that this time will be it, that I will get the privilege of carrying our child/children to full term. But I'm also so scared that the same thing will just happen again that has happened so many times before. Will you send some extra prayers up for me? That this cycle will work (finally!) and that God would give me faith and hope and a fresh trust in Him? I would really appreciate it!

And thank you to my blog friends who are walking the same road that I am. I can't tell you how much your posts, thoughts, scriptures that you've posted have encouraged me. There are so many days where I was so down, and then one of you would post something that would be so inspiring that I could hold on to. Thank you for being real through your journey--I don't know what this would be like if I didn't 'know' others going through it along with me. Love you!

10 comments:

Marie W said...

Thank you for being courageous and sharing every aspect of your life with us. It is hard to invite strangers into the more intimate parts of your life, but sometimes it is those very strangers that can help uplift us when times get tough. I will be praying especially hard these next few weeks for you. I keep stating that 2010 is the year of promises fulfilled, and I know that this will be your year someway, somehow.
Praying, hoping, dreaming for you always.

Jodi Sue said...

Love you Alyson! We have been thinking and praying for you constantly!
My big kids talk about you all the time and am praying for the day that you get to mother your baby!

I also love the new look of your blog!
Soo cute!!!

Happy New Year!

Lianna Knight said...

This WILL be your time Alyson!! I'm praying it, declaring it and believing it!!!

Michelle Harmon said...

Thank you so much for being so brave and blogging about the next step. I have been wanting to ask but didn't want to pry. I am so happy to know how I can specifically pray for you and Justin. I love you so much. Your faith and trust in God is so inspiring. Keep on keepin' on, girl. This is going to be your year!!!

Audra said...

I have been praying for you and thinking about you so much every day. The phase "Be still and know" keeps coming to my mind. Through my different journey I know how hard it is to be still and trust, especially when you it seems that God is working 180 degrees against what we want and pray for. All I know is that when we get through our struggles and our days, we will know that what happened to us could only have happened because of our Father who loves us and promises to work ALL things for our good. I love you sweet friend and will be praying extra hard for His will.

Taryn said...

James 1:12 "Blessed is the (wo)man who perseveres under trial, because when (s)he has stood the test, (s)he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Oh I think of you so often and did so throughout the holidays. I pray for you and will continue. Don't lose hope. I know it is SO HARD!!! This is such a tough journey and so very hard to understand. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your heart. I can relate in many many ways. And while having an end point can be so scary, it also provides direction. I felt such relief when we reached our end point and IVF was no longer an option for us. It was difficult, but God truly lifted a weight from me at that time. I hope God will provide peace about all of your decisions. I will be praying and thinking of you this month. Please let me know if you ever want to get together.
I believe God has wonderful plans for you!

Taryn said...

Had to share one more verse I found tonight....fitting for BOTH of us! (p.s. we are praying about God's will for the growth of our family too ;o))

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

Cristina said...

Hey friend... long time, no talk. I have been M.I.A.

I am glad to hear the next step is already in motion and I hope to get more updates. I have gifts gathering for baby Steiner that I need to give you... can't wait to hear the great news when it comes!! We are praying for you and Justin. We love you and miss you both.

Let's catch up soon. =)

Chris and Jill said...

Alyson,
I don't even know you but I just said a prayer for you and will keep praying.
My husband and I are also fighting the battle of infertility and struggling with loss related to our miscarriage last summer. It really is the most isolating thing I have ever experienced. I appreciate you sharing your feelings and your spiritual and emotional highs and lows so very much. I find it very difficult to be as transparent and I admire it so much in you. You are truly a spiritual encouragement to me.

Tara said...

Alyson, I will continue to pray, and I know 2010 will be your year! Miss you!