October 21, 2009

Healing...

I'm back home, and back to work, and it feels good. I needed to be back to work and busy again.

It was very nice to get away for a few days, and Justin and I had a great time down at the coast. I had a few days alone to pray, to cry, to wonder what to do next. Then Justin came and we just relaxed. The rollercoaster of infertility is so stressful, and time to literally do nothing was wonderful.Honestly, I don't know what the next step of our journey is. I know I need time for my heart to heal again. The emotional toll this is taking on my heart is huge, and I'm so thankful that God is here, carrying me through the pain, and bringing healing deep inside.

So now we are in the wait mode again. It seems like we could go in quite a few directions right now, but we don't know which way to go. If we decide to proceed right away with our frozen embryos, we can't start that process until January. We have also talked about the possibility of holding off on trying for biological children for the moment, and starting the adoption process. We have also talked about the possibility of using our embyros, but finding someone else to carry the pregnancy. My body seems to be doing the same thing over and over--not holding on to pregnancies. I feel like we have tried everything, including the highest dose of progesterone to try to hold a pregnancy, and still we had the same result...losing another baby. All that to say that we don't know really what to do right now, so we are just stepping back for a little bit. We are going to do some research, talk to some people who have been through this, talk to our doctors, and pray a lot. I know that, above all, I want Justin and I to be parents. We want a family. God knows how our family will be built--I thought I did, but am reminded (again...) that I'm not the one in control. I know that He is going to reveal it to us and I am going to trust Him.

Thank you again, so very much, for all your prayers and love. I've continually felt encouraged, blessed, and loved by all of my friends. Thank you for being here for me.

11 comments:

Cristina said...

Hey Friend,
Thank you for sharing this post... and thank you for the sweet note on my blog. It was so good to talk to you the other night. How I wish we still lived just around the block again! Take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything.... LOVE YOU!!!!

erica.jaggears said...

We will continue to pray for you and Justin. I know nothing seems to make sense, but your right He is in control and when the time is right, He will reveal his plan for you. I know in my heart that you are both meant to be parents, and in a lot of ways you already are. You will have your fmaily one day, just keep the faith. I think I am living proof of that one, and you will be too! I am glad you guys got away for a little while! Have a blessed week.

Marie W said...

Take as much time as you need. Whatever the decision, I am here for you.I am reminded of the scripture that says: And the Lord answered me and said, "Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end, it shall speak, and not lie. Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry". (Habakkuk 2:2).
Praying for you always.
Marie

Jodi Sue said...

So glad to hear from you again! Praying that God will show you in a plain and simple way as to what He has planned for y'all! We love you!!!

Lianna Knight said...

Continuing to pray for both of you...it will happen, I just KNOW that it will. And it will happen the way HE planned it to happen...

Giggles said...

So sorry to hear about your loss. My husband and I have been down a similar road. I will pray for peace and comfort for you and your husband.

Robyn Kitchings said...

Alyson, I am continuing to pray for you and Justin. You both are such wonderful people and have been through so much, it's just not fair! I hope that your prayers are answered soon!
Robyn

Amanda said...

Thank you for the update. I've been wondering how you are. As you consider your next steps, I wanted to mention that part of my process was having my thyroid levels tested. During my most recent pregnancy -- the one that went to term -- I was taking progesterone along with a thyroid medication and baby aspirin (to combat any underlying clotting disorder). I tested negative for actual disorders that would cause clotting, so I didn't ever go on Heparin, but because one of the side effects of progesterone is clotting, my MFM put me on baby aspirin as a preventative. My progesterone levels were tested every three to four days by blood draws in the first trimester, and they were never so good as they were this time. If I ever conceive again, I would follow the same protocol.

Still praying for peace and clarity in direction...

Taryn said...

Well, here I am again! After meeting you yesterday, I just can't seem to get you off my mind. I've been cooking dinner and listening to Christian tunes on my iPod, and there you were again! Have you heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant? Beautiful and so appropriate. Another great song is "Somewhere Down the Road" by Amy Grant. You may have heard of these. I think of what this song speaks of so often....somewhere down the road, we will understand why we had to endure the pain. They both brought tears to my eyes. I'm so glad you were able to get away on this trip. What a blessing. I hope you have a spirit-filled week and continue to heal. I will be praying.....
Taryn

Jenny Brannan said...

Al, I love you so much. I will be praying that God makes it abundantly clear what your next step is. I will pray that He will guide your thoughts, your heart, and your emotions to match His will. I can't even begin to understand the rollercoaster of emotions you've been on. You are the strongest person I know and my inspiration when I feel down about my situation. God is in control and His will will be accomplished no matter what we do. And that gives me hope. I can't screw things up because He'll do what He wants anyway. If nothing else gives you comfort, rest in the knowledge that God knows what He's doing and He has a plan. Jesus loves you and so do I. I wish SOOOOOO much that I could just hug you and make you dinner. But I can't. So just know that my heart and prayers are with you and Justin.

carolinagirl said...

Thank you for sharing from your heart. I know it isn't easy and I have been through lots of pregnancy (and hormone) issues too. I am sitting here weeping for you b/c I can understand to a degree of what you feeling. Just waiting and wondering what's next. I have been dealing with my problems since Dec. 2003 and it has recently been decided that I'm going to have to have a hystorectomy in mid Nov. However, all three of my doctors that are across the US can not guarantee that this is going to cure me of my problems. I'm trusting in the Great Physician to do my healing. I have been struggling with this decision for many months and can't take the endless thoughts that come with infertility. I am and will continue to pray for you and Justin as you seek the Lord in what direction he wants for you.