I know it has been awhile since I've blogged--I feel like I have just kind of been numb and blah about blogging lately. Don't know if that makes since, but that's how I have felt lately...blah. Not that there haven't been great things that have been happening, even things where I've commented aloud, "I'll have to blog about this." But have I, did I even take a picture of them??? No. See? Blah...
I think it all comes down to the fact that it is 11 days until the one year anniversary of losing Jonathan. I've really been struggling with this. And it is weird...I guess technically I should call it his birthday, and I want to celebrate it, because it is his actual birthday, but in my heart, I still keep thinking it shouldn't have been his birthday. He was supposed to be born November 25, my Thanksgiving-time baby. It is so strange how even now, just about a year later, I still cry for him, ache for him, stare at his picture and wish that just once, I could have heard him cry, would have seen him look at me, or even have felt him hiccup while I was still pregnant. I guess the reality is that those feelings won't ever go away. Most days have been good in these last few months--God has really given me a lot of joy, but the closer I get to it being a WHOLE year since he was alive, the harder it is. The more I cry.
I should be so excited that we're going to start IVF next month, and I really am. God has so come through with a miracle about that---we just found out a few weeks ago that our new insurance is going to cover it 100%. 100%!!! I had no clue that any insurance anywhere would cover it like that! So we are so thankful for that--it is such a financial burden off our minds as we head there. I guess I am excited about it, and will be as we start it, but I have still been feeling down that we are at a year, and not pregnant. I never dreamed that I would have to even be considering doing IVF at all. I remember the day after we lost Jonathan, telling Justin that I wanted to be pregnant again by his due date. That didn't happen, but I thought for sure we would be a whole lot further along by the one year anniversary. One year just seemed so incredibly far away, but here it is.
I trust God, I know His plans for me, for our lives are perfect, that every millisecond of my life, He is carrying me through. I just wish it was easier. I just wish seeing babies, pregnant people, people with multiple children wasn't so hard. I can't wait until the day that I can be the one out in the church lobby with my crying baby, not the one trying to hold the tears in and not be jealous of the moms who are trying to shush their sweet babies. Someday...soon. Please God??
See...told you I was in a blah mood. Sorry for the rambling--just thought I'd be real. And I will be posting about our IVF journey...I would love the prayer!