July 20, 2009

Here I am...

I know it has been awhile since I've blogged--I feel like I have just kind of been numb and blah about blogging lately. Don't know if that makes since, but that's how I have felt lately...blah. Not that there haven't been great things that have been happening, even things where I've commented aloud, "I'll have to blog about this." But have I, did I even take a picture of them??? No. See? Blah...

I think it all comes down to the fact that it is 11 days until the one year anniversary of losing Jonathan. I've really been struggling with this. And it is weird...I guess technically I should call it his birthday, and I want to celebrate it, because it is his actual birthday, but in my heart, I still keep thinking it shouldn't have been his birthday. He was supposed to be born November 25, my Thanksgiving-time baby. It is so strange how even now, just about a year later, I still cry for him, ache for him, stare at his picture and wish that just once, I could have heard him cry, would have seen him look at me, or even have felt him hiccup while I was still pregnant. I guess the reality is that those feelings won't ever go away. Most days have been good in these last few months--God has really given me a lot of joy, but the closer I get to it being a WHOLE year since he was alive, the harder it is. The more I cry.

I should be so excited that we're going to start IVF next month, and I really am. God has so come through with a miracle about that---we just found out a few weeks ago that our new insurance is going to cover it 100%. 100%!!! I had no clue that any insurance anywhere would cover it like that! So we are so thankful for that--it is such a financial burden off our minds as we head there. I guess I am excited about it, and will be as we start it, but I have still been feeling down that we are at a year, and not pregnant. I never dreamed that I would have to even be considering doing IVF at all. I remember the day after we lost Jonathan, telling Justin that I wanted to be pregnant again by his due date. That didn't happen, but I thought for sure we would be a whole lot further along by the one year anniversary. One year just seemed so incredibly far away, but here it is.

I trust God, I know His plans for me, for our lives are perfect, that every millisecond of my life, He is carrying me through. I just wish it was easier. I just wish seeing babies, pregnant people, people with multiple children wasn't so hard. I can't wait until the day that I can be the one out in the church lobby with my crying baby, not the one trying to hold the tears in and not be jealous of the moms who are trying to shush their sweet babies. Someday...soon. Please God??

~~

See...told you I was in a blah mood. Sorry for the rambling--just thought I'd be real. And I will be posting about our IVF journey...I would love the prayer!

10 comments:

Audra said...

Your writing is beautiful, it makes my heart ache for you and Justin. I have been thinking of you so much lately and praying for you. When we are faced with the hard parts of life it is so difficult to see the point in our trials. You have encouraged me with your faith and trust in God in this year. I am praying for you even more now. Love you.

The Writer Chic said...

Alyson, you don't know me. I've been following your blog since before you lost your sweet boy, via Amy's blog.

I would never have imagined that I'd be joining your "ranks" only months later (I lost our Duncan on 5/19 at 25w).

Believe it or not, I dreamt about you and Justin last night -- we met at a church service in Florida -- I know. Weird! But when I woke up this morning, you were on my heart, and I have been praying. I'm so glad you posted today, so now I can pray specifically.

Please know that someone in TN loves and cares for you and your dreams.

Leading Lady said...

I am praying for you every day...I know what you mean about church...we have three friends who all had babies within a two week period so now they all hang out together, talk about baby stuff, take pictures together with their babies...sometimes I just want to rip my hair out...lol. Everyone keeps telling Mike and I "you're next" or asking when we're having kids too...I told Mike I am ready to just grab the mic from my Dad at church and tell people to butt out - ha! Anyways...just know I am thinking of you all the time, praying for you and Justin, and thinking of sweet Jonathan.

Robyn Kitchings said...

I just wanted to let you know that I think of you often and miss you so much! I will keep praying for you and Justin and I hope that your IVF is successful! Hugs to you!
Robyn

Cristina said...

Of course you are in our prayers, always. I can't imagine what you are going through, but
I am so happy about the things ahead - the IVF and insurance plan. What a blessing - I bet there are a lot of women out there thinking, 'I wonder if my husband could go work there too?' =) Thinking of you and my tall friend....

Joy said...

Aly, I love you. Thank you for being so transparent and honest.

I keep reliving that horrible time in my head, as well....those days leading up, when we had no idea what lay in store...the roller coaster days when you and Jonathan were in the hospital preparing for months of bed rest...and those dreadful phone calls in the middle of the night that we could hardly believe were true. My parents' words over the phone that night will always be etched in my memory.

I can't wait to give you a hug next week. In the meantime, we are praying for you, for God to ease the pain and give you peace -- to remind you of the good He has made out of Jonathan's life and death, both in your lives and in the lives of those whose walks with Christ have been strengthened by witnessing your own.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but His mercies are new every morning. And He has a plan.

We love you!!!!!

Tena said...

I've been thinking about you (and praying) a lot lately, too. Knowing that it's almost been a year makes me think (again) about how unfair things can be. However, God has a plan for all of us. It just is hard to figure it all out! Love you.

Jodie said...

wow...your words took my breath away...thank you for your honesty...you are so real and I appreciate that...a year?! Wow!!! Tears...

Lianna Knight said...

I am so excited that you will be on your way to having another sweet baby SOON! And I can't believe your insurance pays for it...that is definitely a BLESSING! I can't even imagine...we are SO in debt from our last two and that is why we have had to wait so long for our third...we just can't afford it :(

Sending prayers your way as you mourn the loss of your first born...celebrate that he will be spending his very first birthday with our wonderful God in Heaven :)

Leah said...

I found your blog through Kelly's prayer blog. I find hope in your post. I lost my son Ethan at 18 weeks only 2 and half weeks ago. It helps me to know that the feelings I am having are normal! It is my dream to be pregnant again by the due date in December. I will be praying for your IVF cycle. We meet with our Fertility specialist this wednesday and will hopefully get started on another cycle with our last two frozen embryos. Good luck!