As I was reading through Psalms for a verse, I noticed something that has never really struck me before. If you go through and read the first verses of a whole bunch of the Psalms, the author--usually David--is pouring out his heart, crying out to the Lord. Not just the "Dear Lord, I ask you to help me today..." but the real gut-wrenching "Why God?" or "Help me!!" So many times I find myself getting stuck in the rut of 'typical prayers'. The "thank you for this day, help this person, bless us..." prayers. But I've really been working on being completely real with God. Something that my pastor said at Jonathan's funeral has stuck out so clearly in my mind. He said that God isn't afraid or surprised by what I have to say. There is nothing we can say or feel that He doesn't already know and care so much about. This is so basic, but oh so easy to forget.
After I lost Jonathan, I told God, even yelled at Him about how mad I was--mad that this would happen to me, mad that this could have been part of his 'perfect plan' for my life, mad that the doctors couldn't have done more, and mad that I was so incredibly sad. But do you know what? Letting God have it--being honest with myself and with Him drew me so much closer to Him! It was almost like He stood there, took it, and then wrapped me up in a great big bear hug and just held on to me. Like I said yesterday, there are so many times in my life that I've just tried to handle things on my own, not depend on Him, but oh how I wish that I had turned to him--fully and with whatever was on my heart--for that heavenly hug.
These are are some of the "firsts" from Psalms...They are my 'straight from the heart prayers'...
"I cry out to God without holding back. Oh, that God would listen to me!"
"May God be merciful and bless us. May his face shine with favor upon us."
"Please, God, rescue me! Come quickly, Lord, and help me."
"Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help."
"O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning."
and my praise...
"I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done."
And there are so many more!
And I know that whatever the outcome of the 17th, I will turn to Him. Oh, if it is negative, I will be crushed and upset, but no matter what, I will turn to Him, give Him all of what I am feeling, and then cling to Him.