November 25, 2008

Peace

(Sorry for all the blog changes lately--I liked my last one, but it was kind of hard to read! I just found this one that I thought was pretty cute too!)

Yesterday was a much better day that I thought it would be. I had been anticipating this day for long, and I've heard it said that the anticipation of a day is actually worse that the day actually turns out to be. I'm so thankful that I found that to be true.
I had a very peaceful day, just doing things that reminded me of Jonathan. I spent the morning making this little sign to put in the vase on Jonathan's grave. I have been looking for a week for something special, but have not found anything. Justin kept asking me what exactly I was looking for, and I kept telling him I didn't know exactly. So after not finding anything, I decided to go to Michaels and wander around to see if anything there felt right. I found my supplies and woke up my craftiness to make this special sign.





(back side)
I found this sweet little heart ornament in a shop in our cute little downtown last week, and I love it!
I spent about an hour at his grave. It was so peaceful, and I really enjoyed it. I read some books to him, sang to him, cried a little bit, talked to him, and read him a bunch of the letters I had written to him in my journal. It was a gorgeous day--sunny, 70 degrees with a slight breeze. God couldn't have created a better day for me!

Another thing I found downtown last week was this beautiful frame. Actually, Justin found it, but once I saw it, I new it had to be a part of our home. I printed out another picture of him and finished framing it. I am planning to hang it in our room.
Just in case you can't read it, this is what it says...
The Broken Chain
We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name. In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same. It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again.
Amazing, don't you think?!
I also bought two balloons, just like the ones that we released at Jonathan's funeral. Last night, before we went to sleep, Justin and I each wrote Jonathan a message and we released them outside right by his tree.
I also have been thinking about how to include Jonathan in our Christmas decorations. It would have all been so different if he were here--we would have had oodles of things that said "Baby's First Christmas". But those just don't feel right to me, so again, I was on a hunt to find just the right thing. I found two special things--
This is an ornament I found at Mardel, a Christian bookstore. It is a silver rattle with the James 1:17 on it: "Every good and perfect gift is from above." Jonthan was absolutely perfect, and we will always consider him to be our gift from God. I can't wait to hang it, with some other special ornaments that people have gotten us in memory of him, on our Christmas tree.

I also finished making this wreath that I'm going to put on his grave this weekend.
This is what our mantle looks like right now--so many special things that remind us of Jonathan. You can also see the stocking I got for him that I'm going to spiff up a bit. I'm planning on putting his name on it and making it special. Eventually, these things will be placed in other places around the house, but right now, I love looking up there and seeing all the things that remind me of him.


Overall, November 25th ended up being a great and truly peaceful day. Again, I was reminded of how many amazing people I have in my life. I cannot begin to express how all the calls, emails, blogs, comments, texts and prayers made this day special. I'm so thankful for each and every person in our lives who are always there for us! I love you!
I really feel like I have hit a turning point. Getting through yesterday gave me a feeling of closing this chapter of my life. Not at all in the sense that I won't grieve for Jonathan still, or go to support groups, or not think about him anymore--not at all. But the feeling of "he was supposed to be here" ended with the last official day of my pregnancy, even though in reality, my pregnancy was over 4 months ago. While I was at the cemetery, I was able to tell Jonathan that I was okay to move on now, to work on having his brothers and sisters, and I truly felt a peace about that--a knowing that it was okay with him as well. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I feel like it's okay to start fully living again. God has a plan for our lives, and I'm really ready now to live in it, trusting Him! Please continue to pray for us as we continue on in this journey to becoming a (bigger) family.
Tomorrow we are heading to Lake Athens, about an hour and a half from here, to spend Thanksgiving with some dear friends who have also lost their babies this year. After months of dreading what Thanksgiving was going to be like, I can honestly say that I'm so excited that it is tomorrow!! This year is different--it is the first time I haven't been with family for a major holiday--but I know it is how God had planned it all along for us. I'm so incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given to me. Even in losing a child, dealing with the fact that my husband's job is directly affected by this crazy economy, and feeling completely out-of-control (something I very much like to be in), God is good. Through this, my life has been changed in ways that I never would have imagined. And I never want to be the same.
I won't be around for my Thankful Thursday, but I think that this blog can count!! =)
I pray that you have a wonderful, thankful, and truly special Thanksgiving tomorrow. I know I will!

7 comments:

Big Guy Bigger Opinions said...

I love you!
- Your Big Guy

hannah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Robyn Kitchings said...

Sorry I deleted the previous message. I left it under Hannah's account on accident and it was confusing.....anyways.....
I am thankful that your heart is on the mend! I think about you all the time and miss you!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Robyn

Diane said...

I think Jonathan just thanked Jesus for making you his mommy (and Jesus hugged him and said "I had to give you the best!")...that was a beautiful post! I am so glad you experienced God's peace yesterday and feel a bit of release to begin a new chapter. I am reminded of a song...

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way He will make a way

I especially like the line "with love and strength for each new day." It sounds like you are going to have the perfect Thanksgiving tomorrow! You know I love you so much and will continue praying for God's blessings for you and Justin!

Joy said...

Oh, Aly. You brought me to tears!!! We love you guys so much, and we love Jonathan, too. SO proud of YOU!!!!!

Jenny Brannan said...

Your craftiness is wonderful! You make me smile, even through my tears. What you made for Jonathan's grave is beautiful and perfect. I'm glad that you were able to spend time with Jonathan. I will pray for you in the next leg of your journey. You are so strong! Jesus loves you and so do I!

SR said...

God will bless you greatly for the example of strength you are. You are in my prayers.