November 25, 2008

Jonathan's Due Date

It's 12:09 am as I start to write this blog on the day that was to be Jonathan's due date. The day that I had looked forward to since March 17, they day I found out for sure that I was pregnant with him. It had all seemed so perfect--finding out we were pregnant on St. Patrick's Day (what luck!) having the baby just before Thanksgiving! What more could we have to be thankful for on Thanksgiving that our precious baby? But later on today, I won't be in a hospital having my baby, I will be going to the cemetery to visit him, born almost four months ago. I still just don't get it. I don't understand why this was a part of God's plan. But this is what it is, and I will do my best to continue trusting Him.
But I still miss my baby. My arms ache for him, my heart longs for this to all be different. If only I could see him looking at me, breathing, crying. Would he have looked like Justin did as a newborn? Would he have had a full head of dark hair? Would he have been a big baby like I thought he was going to be? Would he have already been here? I wish I could have seen the look on Justin's face when he saw his son for the first time, holding him close with the promise of a future together. What would it have been like to have my first son gaze into my eyes and calm down when I held him close? I will never know these things and it breaks my heart.
I miss my sweet Jonathan every day. I know that pain will never go away, but maybe it will begin to ease now that I am not supposed to be pregnant with him anymore.

16 comments:

Jessica said...

al, i love you so much! call if you need to.

Tena said...

I'm thinking about you this morning. Love you!

Monica @ Writer Chic said...

Oh Alyson....I'll be praying for you today, and I'm praying for you also to be blessed in God's time with a sibling for your precious son. Blessings this Thanksgiving week.

Riley Kai said...

My heart aches for you! Allow yourself to feel this pain, as strange as that may seem. My mom had 6 late term miscarriages before she had me...I know she grieved everyone of them until the day she held them again. God's plans for us are usually not our own and you are totally normal for the way your are feeling. Someday we will all understand His intent! I am praying for you today and always!

Jodi said...

I wondered when your due date was. Knowing it was getting close. We are praying for you and Jason!
Remember Jesus' shoulders are strong - lean on Him!!!

We love you!
jodi

Danielle said...

Even though he's not here to hold and love on you can be thankful that he is in the arms of the perfect father. I'll be praying for you today. ALso, you've been tagged...see my blog. God bless you today....and everyday!

Sarah's Blog said...

Alyson,
I came across your blog the other day through another blog. Your blog has really touched my heart. You and your husband are in my prayers. I'm happy to have found a fellow McKinney woman blogger!

Candie said...

I'll be thinking and praying for you today.

Diane said...

I am so glad you posted this! It has been a fairly bittersweet lead-up to a "Thanksgiving" holiday for me knowing this day was coming. I'd been feeling a lot more of the sad and angry feelings about it lately and less of the trusting and hoping feelings. I went back and reread some of your and Justin's posts and our email exchanges from those first days and weeks. It helped to remind myself of the grace and peace God poured out on you in the midst of it. Then I remembered (sad to admit I "forgot") that God knew today was coming too. He has been there for you all along and I know He is there for you today in a powerful way! What today was supposed to be and what today is are not the same...but either way it is still God's day. I have no doubt you and Justin will honor God and Jonathan by your faith and actions today. Know that you are being bathed in prayer and love! I know that God will bring you through today and I believe that your relationship with Justin will be even stronger tomorrow. Love you...

Ronni said...

I have had this day on my calendar for a long time. When I changed the page to November at the beginning of the month I wept for you. And everyday since then I walk by the calendar, see Johnathan's due date written on the 25th and say a prayer for you and Justin. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and I am so sorry you have to live it. God knows your pain and He cares. I am praying for you today and always!

amy (metz) walker said...

I have been thinking about you all day and praying for you. It just makes my heart ache for you....

Cristina said...

my friend, I knew that this was going to be a sad day for so many people. I don't know what to say, other than I'm sorry, we miss you and we love you both.

TN Bakers said...

I know, it's the most heart-wrenching pain to ever experience. The words you wrote could have been my own. I understand Aly and it does get better, I promise.

Joy said...

We've been praying and thinking of you yesterday and today. Even as we browsed the baby section at the Disney World gift shop, I thought how we should have been buying "mouse ears" for our brand new nephew.

I just don't understand. I pray that things do get easier now, and that God chooses to fill your arms with a sweet baby and fulfill all those dreams of yours, sooner than you think. We love you!

Jenny Brannan said...

Oh Aly! I can't imagine how that day must have felt! You have been so strong and faithful during this horrible situation. My heart breaks for you every time I think of you and Justin. The only thing I can think of, is that God has a plan. That doesn't mean that He caused the situation, but it does mean that He can turn it into good. God can reach into any situation and make it reflect His purposes. His ways are not ours, and I pray He lights your path as you boldly continue your steps toward Him. If nothing else, I hope that this thought will give you comfort! I love you and am so thankful for you and your example!

SR said...

"...the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth...”

This is part of a prayer by Mother Angelica. I have, myself, had a miscarriage and though mine was early term it was one of the hardest things to experience as a mother. May God be with you and your son until you are reunited again.