September 15, 2008

Wait...

Yesterday I came across a book that I had been given by one of my mom's friends soon after my third miscarriage. It is called "Wait", and is actually a poem, with illustrations on each page. It had been sitting on top of our high dresser in our room, a place I couldn't actually reach, and I'd forgot all about it. After finding Justin to get it down for me (our dresser is really tall!) I spent some time reading it, crying, and thanking God, again, for His plan in my life. I don't know why I always seem to keep forgetting that God does have a plan for my life, and it is a perfect plan. Right now, in my human Alyson-mind, I don't understand it at all. I wish it was different. I wish my plan was coming true. I wish I was celebrating being 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow. But I'm not, and that is so confusing to me.

I read verses that say, "And we can be confident that he will listen to us whenever we ask him for anything in line with his will. And if we know he is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that he will give us what we ask for." (I John 5: 14-15) Or "Dear friends, if our conscience is clear, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive whatever we request because we obey him and do the things that please him." (I John 3:21-22) These, along with so many other verse that say the same sort of thing, have me even more confused. I'm not saying that I am a perfect Christian, BY ANY MEANS, but I feel like I do my best to live for Him, to make choices that would honor Him, to obey Him--the things in those verses. So why am I still not receiving what I'm asking, begging Him for?? His answer came to me in this book that I hadn't read since last December.....Not yet. Wait.

Wait, by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,
"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From and infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still...
"Wait."


So that is what I have to do...I have to wait...for His perfect timing for the child, the children I so desperately want. I'm His child, and right now, He is drawing me close to His heart. I never want to lose sight of my ultimate purpose here on Earth--to truly know Him, to bring Him pleasure, not just to get pleasure from raising my own children. Number one in my life must be Him, and in His time, my blessings will come.

11 comments:

Amy (Metz) Walker said...

Wow, what a powerful poem. It gave me chills AND made me cry! I so understand, Aly.

You know I do...

Diane said...

As I search for things to hold on to for you...one thing that keeps coming back to me is that your relationship with Justin is getting even deeper roots through sharing this experience. Jonathan's life has brought you closer to Justin and closer to God too! That's quite a powerful life! Keep seeking His face and asking for those blessings...you can be 100,000% confident your Father will make it worth the wait!
I love you!

It's me Suzette! said...

I found your blog through Amy's. Wow! This is an amazing post! It's incredbile how God works. You have shared your heart on here and touched a complete stranger in ways that I cannot describe!

Love in Christ!

Rebecca Jo said...

I came to your blog from another & am so touched by this poem. I'm so sorry for your loss too! To understand & have hope in God & His plan - it takes much growth in His love! Prayers to you & your family!!!

Lianna Knight said...

Alyson,

I found your blog though Amy and I truly loved the poem. If you don't mind, I'm going to add you to my blog list....I have created a second blog that deals with our infertility problems and allows me to share with others how I feel, what I want to happen, and prayer to be patient for His timing. Thanks for sharing this...it was something I really needed to hear :)

Blessings!

Nicci said...

I found your blog through a couple friend's friend's friend's :)

I have had three miscarriages myself, and I feel all the same things you are feeling. The whole "waiting" game gets soo old, right? There have been so many times that I've prayed that God just let me know that it's not going to happen...at least then, I could move on. It's tough to let go and let God do his thing. Especially when it doesn't make any sense to us.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am praying for your heart to heal.

Robyn Kitchings said...

Wow! That is a great poem and such a great message! I'm glad that it has brought you comfort and guidance! You will be there soon Alyson! I know it!
Robyn

Kristen Leonard said...

What an amazing poem...it really touched my heart. I have been waiting for 15 years for an answer to my prayers and I know from experience that hearing God ask us to wait for His timing can be one of the most difficult things that can be asked of us as believers, yet it can truely be one of the biggest blessings as well as it can refine our faith and our reliance on Him into something far beyond our wildest dreams. This poem reminded me of the promise of Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who wait upon the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They wil walk and not faint."
Aly, I pray that today God would continue to strengthen you and Justin as you continue to wait upon Him. Love, Bess

Gene Steiner said...

As your father-in-law, I am so touched and honored to be reading what you just posted. What an awesome poem! And surely our God will honor you as walk out the WAIT.

We all go through times in our lives that we don't understand the "whys" and the "why nots" and the "but, I thought" even the "yet Your Word says..." moments.
God is teaching us all to TRUST Him IN all things. And in waiting and trusting and drawing near to Him, we hear Him saying to you and to us all, "Well done. Now I can bless you." It is coming... great blessing - answers to prayers - harvest time - and newness of life - peace, joy, rest, and the thrill to see and experience His love in action in each of our lives once again. We may never understand what has happened, but we know that God is using your lives to be such a tremendous source of hope, of love, of faith and encouragement to others, and we are all growing in the Lord together.

Tena said...

Thank you for sharing that. We are waiting with you to see God's plan.
Love you.

Joy said...

Happy Birthday, Aly! We hope you have a wonderful day!!!! We love you!!!

Joy, Ryan, and Ryley