Yesterday I came across a book that I had been given by one of my mom's friends soon after my third miscarriage. It is called "Wait", and is actually a poem, with illustrations on each page. It had been sitting on top of our high dresser in our room, a place I couldn't actually reach, and I'd forgot all about it. After finding Justin to get it down for me (our dresser is really tall!) I spent some time reading it, crying, and thanking God, again, for His plan in my life. I don't know why I always seem to keep forgetting that God does have a plan for my life, and it is a perfect plan. Right now, in my human Alyson-mind, I don't understand it at all. I wish it was different. I wish my plan was coming true. I wish I was celebrating being 30 weeks pregnant tomorrow. But I'm not, and that is so confusing to me.
I read verses that say, "And we can be confident that he will listen to us whenever we ask him for anything in line with his will. And if we know he is listening when we make our requests, we can be sure that he will give us what we ask for." (I John 5: 14-15) Or "Dear friends, if our conscience is clear, we can come to God with bold confidence. And we will receive whatever we request because we obey him and do the things that please him." (I John 3:21-22) These, along with so many other verse that say the same sort of thing, have me even more confused. I'm not saying that I am a perfect Christian, BY ANY MEANS, but I feel like I do my best to live for Him, to make choices that would honor Him, to obey Him--the things in those verses. So why am I still not receiving what I'm asking, begging Him for?? His answer came to me in this book that I hadn't read since last December.....Not yet. Wait.
Wait, by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance
and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From and infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still...
So that is what I have to do...I have to wait...for His perfect timing for the child, the children I so desperately want. I'm His child, and right now, He is drawing me close to His heart. I never want to lose sight of my ultimate purpose here on Earth--to truly know Him, to bring Him pleasure, not just to get pleasure from raising my own children. Number one in my life must be Him, and in His time, my blessings will come.