September 21, 2008

Two months...

Today is the two month anniversary of the day we lost Jonathan. I can't believe it has been two whole months: in some ways, it feels like it was just yesterday, and in other ways, it feels like an eternity ago. Slowly, I find that it is beginning to seem that everything is not a constant reminder of him, but I still find myself thinking..."the last time I was here/did this/etc. I was pregnant." Still kind of hard. But we are moving on and having hope in our future. I can't wait for the day that I can announce that I'm pregnant again, and have all of you praying for our next baby to make it through nine months and be alive in my arms. I know that day is coming.

I thought I'd share a few pictures with you...I've debated long and hard whether I was going to post a picture of Jonathan. I feel so protective of him. I know sometimes babies that are stillborn, or born way too early can tend to make people uncomfortable. I guess my fear is that someone will look at his picture and say he looks awful. I think he is absolutely perfect, and cannot seem to get enough of looking at his picture. I have a small picture of him in my car, on the wallpaper of my computer, and in our room. I love to see him and all his little features that remind me of his daddy. When I look at him, I don't see him as my dead baby, but as my precious, tiny, perfectly created little boy that I didn't have enough time with in this life. He was so small, 1.68 pounds and only 12 inches long, but I will never forget my moments getting to hold my precious son in my arms. So I decided that I would share him with you too.

The picture really doesn't do him justice--he had blonde peach fuzz on his head, had cute little eyebrows, and light eyelashes as well. It makes him look redder than he actually did in real life, but I'm so thankful for all the pictures we have of our sweet boy.

This is our mantle right now. I love the picture that Justin drew with Jesus holding Jonathan in His arms. I look at it every day and it gives me such a peace knowing my little boy is there! His birth certificate with his tiny hand and footprints is also a treasure. I'm really looking forward to the next couple weeks. I'm finishing up my last day of teaching tomorrow, and am planning on making a scrapbook, maybe a shadow box for his little gown that he was wearing, and some other things to remember him. I jumped back into work so quickly after we lost him, which was a good thing for me, but now I'm ready to have some time to sit quietly and remember all the moments of Jonathan's life.

I just want to say a quick thanks to everyone who made my birthday yesterday so special. I was really worried that this was going to be a very hard birthday. But it really wasn't! It was a great day. I had so many cards, emails, phone calls, messages, presents, and nice things done for me. I appreciate so much all of the wonderful people in my life who are there and have continued to be there for me in my life!!!


Lemberg said...

I am just soooo sad I didn't know it was your bday! I'm such a bday person! Alyson, even in the few weeks you've been at Minshew and then in just the last few days we've gotten a little closer I've grown even more found of you. I tear up as I write this b/c I wish you weren't leaving. I think the world of you and I know I would grow that much more as a person if I had the opportunity to have you in my life and share things as teachers do. I will really miss your smile and hope to keep in contact especially through the blogs. Thank you for sharing precious, beautiful, sweet little Jonathan with us. I just wanted to hug his little picture. He was so perfect. I look forward to celebrating with you soon. You are such a blessing.

Diane said...

I am so glad you shared Jonathan's picture on your blog! He really was perfect! And now he is wholly perfect in Jesus' arms. I love his hands...I find myself focusing in on them when I look at his picture, those sweet little fingers. I know those memories will be with you forever, but I am also glad you have some mementos and a scrapbook too! It is always comforting to see how much encouragement and support you are still getting from so many people. You know my prayers are still coming your way...and it looks like they are in good company! Love you, sis!

Cristina said...

Alyson, I remembered that your birthday was coming at the beginning of the month (I wasn't sure about the exact day, but I knew that it was this month) and then it completly slipped my mind. I am glad that you were able to enjoy the day. I got your message on my blog and I know that you are busy. Enjoy your in-laws this weekend and I will talk to you soon! Love you!!! ....and my tall friend too.... =) Tell him I say, 'hello'

Aubrey and Jen said...

So sorry I missed your birthday but I'm glad that you felt celebrated & deserve it! Thank you for being so transparent and for sharing your precious son w/ us! We are still praying for your continued healing & for the next pregnancy too!:-) Love you!


Ronni said...

I am so sorry I missed your bday :( But it sounds like you had a great day :) I love that you posted Johnathan's picture, you are so right, he was PERFECT!

Joy said...

Oh, Aly, we love you so much. You are brave and courageous to share your heart so openly. Thank you for posting the photo of sweet Jonathan, my precious nephew. He really is perfect.

Every night, Ryley prays for all the people whose babies have died....that God would show them how wonderful He is, that He would heal their pain, and that He would give them more babies. Those are pretty much her exact words.

We hurt too. Thank God that His grace is indeed sufficient, and His mercies are new every morning.

We love you! Have a great weekend! :-)

vanettens said...

He is beautiful.

Robyn Kitchings said...

Oh thank you for posting Jonathan's picture. He is so precious and perfect! I'm so glad that you have pictures and things of his to remember him by.
I'm so happy to hear that you had a good birthday! You deserve it so much! And I am so going to miss you up at school! I'm sure you'll be around but it won't be the same! Enjoy your time!

Danielle said...

Like everyone else has said, Jonathan was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT in every way. He was a precious gift from God. Even though he was only on earth a very short time he touched so many. What comfort in knowing that each night he is tucked in by our Heavenly Father. May God continue to bless you and comfort you.
Danielle in Keller, TX

Brady said...

thank you for sharing! Jonathon is absolutely perfect!!!! I am soooo glad that you were able to hold him and take these cherished photos of him! I can't wait to see Jesus and Jonathon again one day!
You know we love you!
Let me know when you want to get out for lunch!
I'm glad that you will be able to have some quiet time at home!
We love you!
Jodi and kids!

Familia Sanchez said...

Johnathan is so beautiful. I can totally see Justin's features. I'm glade you decided to post his picture. It's nice to put such a beautiful face to such a beautiful name. God bless you.