Thought I should check in with you all again. I just want to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who has been standing with us for the past coulple of weeks. I'm just in awe of my friends, family, and even strangers who have said and done just the right things that have helped us. From comments on our blog, phone calls, messages, emails, cards, and even meals and food being brought to us, I can't say thank you enough. I pray that I will be able to return the favor, or pass it on to others in my life--I just don't know the words to express how much everyone means to us right now.
It is so weird, how this is all hitting me. There are times that I'm so sad and empty feeling, that I can't do much more that just sit in the nursery and stare at the walls. Other times, I feel so blessed by Jonathan's short little life, and all of the amazing results of it, that I just praise God for it. I don't know what to make of such a variety of emotions, but everything I'm reading and hearing from people who know says that is normal--that is grief. It's just strange though, because I wonder if I'm betraying my baby when I'm thankful how each moment of the last two weeks have played out. I'm not at all thankful that he is gone--I don't understand why--but I am thankful for all that God has done, for all the details that He worked out that helps me to see light in the midst of this sadness. I know my baby is in a far better place than I ever could have provided him here, even though I wanted him here more than anything. I've prayed for him all of my life, and know I'm here trying to figure out how to keep thanking God for His plan.
I found a poem that I thought I'd share with you--I adapted it just a bit to fit my baby. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be on the other side of this situation--trying to comfort someone else who was going through the loss of a child. I wouldn't have a clue what to say or what to do. For those of my friends that I was pregnant along with, I want to have joy with you. Don't feel like your joy has to be muted around me. I'm so thankful for your baby, and I will be here to enjoy thier life with you. It might be hard for awhile, but just know that you are all doing the right things and I appreciate you all more than you will ever know.
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent
I underlined a verse in the hospital on Wednesday, Jonathan's last day alive. As hard as it is, I'm trying to live my life after it...
I Thess. 5: 16-18
" Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
I love you all.