I'm still so thankful for my new job, for having something to do, somewhere to go each day, and wonderful people to be with. But...it is so hard. Thursday was the first day reporting back to work, and honestly, I cried the whole way out to the camp where we were to meet--a half hour drive. I knew that God had given me this job, and I was supposed to be there, but I couldn't help feeling like I was leaving Jonathan behind, like I was betraying him. I wasn't supposed to be reporting back to school--I was supposed to be home, pregnant, enjoying my 25th week of pregancy, decorating his room more, and feeling him kicking me from the inside. But this is my new reality, God's plan for me. I know I'll never understand why His plan for me included losing my baby boy, but I just have to trust, to have faith in what I'll never be able to know or understand until I'm in heaven with Jonathan. But as I'm learning, this isn't easy.
Even through tears and crazy emotions, God still brings people into my life, through emails, calls, texts, blogs and cards in the mail to encourage me at just the right times. At each of my low points in the last few days, I've been lifted up by various people, and I'm so thankful for them. How could they have known that I needed to hear from them at just that moment? I thank God for putting me on their hearts.
So here I am, late on Sunday night, knowing that I'm going back to work again tomorrow morning. It is going to be hard. I know I will have many more tears this week, and I know I'll miss my Jonathan every moment. Everywhere I go seems to have something that reminds me of Jonathan, of being pregnant, of my dreams of having my children in my life--my heart feels like it is being crushed inside me. But I know that God is there, carrying me, and that is what helps me to even begin to think that I will get through this.