August 17, 2008

My reality...

I'm still so thankful for my new job, for having something to do, somewhere to go each day, and wonderful people to be with. But...it is so hard. Thursday was the first day reporting back to work, and honestly, I cried the whole way out to the camp where we were to meet--a half hour drive. I knew that God had given me this job, and I was supposed to be there, but I couldn't help feeling like I was leaving Jonathan behind, like I was betraying him. I wasn't supposed to be reporting back to school--I was supposed to be home, pregnant, enjoying my 25th week of pregancy, decorating his room more, and feeling him kicking me from the inside. But this is my new reality, God's plan for me. I know I'll never understand why His plan for me included losing my baby boy, but I just have to trust, to have faith in what I'll never be able to know or understand until I'm in heaven with Jonathan. But as I'm learning, this isn't easy.
Even through tears and crazy emotions, God still brings people into my life, through emails, calls, texts, blogs and cards in the mail to encourage me at just the right times. At each of my low points in the last few days, I've been lifted up by various people, and I'm so thankful for them. How could they have known that I needed to hear from them at just that moment? I thank God for putting me on their hearts.
So here I am, late on Sunday night, knowing that I'm going back to work again tomorrow morning. It is going to be hard. I know I will have many more tears this week, and I know I'll miss my Jonathan every moment. Everywhere I go seems to have something that reminds me of Jonathan, of being pregnant, of my dreams of having my children in my life--my heart feels like it is being crushed inside me. But I know that God is there, carrying me, and that is what helps me to even begin to think that I will get through this.

12 comments:

Ronni said...

(((Hugs)))

Robyn Kitchings said...

Oh Alyson, my heart is just breaking for you! I am so so very sorry! Big hug coming your way in the morning!
Love you,
Robyn

Amy (Metz) Walker said...

...thinking of you!

Brian and Dara said...

You are in my thoughts each day. My heart is broken alongside yours and I wish more than anything to be close enough to give you a real hug. But, since I'm not there, I trust Jesus to continualy hold you with more love than any of us can give. I love you.

Kristen Leonard said...

I am so sorry you and Justin are having to go through this Aly. Mike and I are praying for you constantly that God will heal you hearts and hold you close to His.

Aaron said...

I love you Aly...

Cristina said...

My friend... My heart aches knowing that you are going through such pain. You, Justin and Jonathan are constantly on my mind in my prayers. We love you.

Ryan and Joy said...

Oh, Aly, we love you so much. I wish we could wipe away your pain. Ryley and I talk a lot about Jonathan, and I cry every time. How come it's easier for kids to understand this stuff?

Sherry said...

Aly, reading your post reminds me of a young friend who had a similar experience of finding her "new normal" after a stillbirth. I had followed with loving interest the months leading up to the birth and grieved with her at the unimaginable loss of her hopes and dreams. Here's a link to her description of those days. You might find it helpful. http://newnormal.wordpress.com/about/

Jenny Brannan said...

Jesus loves you and so do I...always!

TN Bakers said...

Aly keep expressing your feelings and emotions, it will help your heart heal. I remember times after we lost Andrew when it felt difficult to breathe because the pain was so deep, and I sobbed until I couldn't do anything but fall asleep. When I returned to work one week after we had lost him, I just sat at my desk most days and accomplished nothing except for thinking of all that had taken place. For awhile nothing seems important in the world, nothing except your sweet baby that left you too soon. I'd love to talk again soon, I'll try to call this weekend and see how your first full week went.

Tena said...

We love you, Alyson! See you tomorrow...